Single Dad Rules

Next month my sister would have turned 54, hard to believe its been almost 4 years since she suddenly left us.

The earliest memory I have of my sister was of her putting a plastic guitar into my 4-year-old hands and informing me that we were putting a show on for our parents. The Beenie Tweenies was the name of our group, yes that was really it. Catchy. But even before then she was an influence on my life, when my mom was pregnant, way before ultra sounds, yes I’m old, they were convinced I was to be the second daughter, even had a nice girly name picked out for me. Lisa. Surprise surprise when I showed up as a boy and they had no name. So my parents did what any new parents would have done, they turned the job of naming me over to their 3 1/2 year old daughter. And that’s how I was given the name Bruce, if they had gotten a puppy first he would have probably been Bruce and I would have ended up with Myron or Roger or something else that three-year olds like.

As she grew she took dance and she was a natural. I can remember getting drug along to dance class 40 miles away twice a week and watching her and the other girls dance while my mother and I waited. As I got older dad and I did baseball, basketball, fishing  but my mom and sister were always at dance. As I got even older I looked forward to the recitals, partly because of all the older cute girls that were my sisters classmates but mostly I loved to watch her dance and so did my parents. As she would search for music for her next performance my dad would always tell her, pick something that starts slow and then speeds up so you can and start off with ballet and switch to Jazz, yes this was a hardcore, tough diesel mechanic giving his daughter advice on dance. I guess we were all captivated by her talent. 

Then, there was her heart, as she aged it grew bigger and bigger. Three and a half years a part, a distance that could have been awkward for some siblings, we hardly ever fought. When she was 16 and able to drive, out of the blue one day she asked me if I wanted to go to the movies, and her and I went alone together to see Grease. Now she may have just been so excited to see that dancing movie that she would have taken anybody. But that memory will forever be etched in my mind, my big sister, who I always looked up to, took me to the movies.

And when she started college and had her own apartment with two roommates, she would have me over for lunch. I worked nearby and she would invite me over. She would offer to make a picnic lunch for a buddy and I who had a hot double date with two cuties. It seemed her thoughtfulness had no ending. 

Then she got married and had a beautiful family one son and two daughters, my nieces and nephew, oh how she loved those kids. Then she moved away and when we would visit I don’t think I ever saw her sit down, making dinner, deserts. Cleaning and laundry, all the time with that big radiant smile, never once a complaint. Sometimes I would fall asleep only to wake up about 1:00 AM and still hear her up and about.

You know how this goes, once someone passes you wish you would have told them more often how much they meant to you, and yes I wish I would have told her how much she meant to me, but you always think you have more time. I do however have one moment I’m proud of. It’s the last time I took my three girls to Texas to visit over Thanksgiving. As usual she was going 90 MPH the whole time and sending me to the store about once an hour for something she still needed, that was my job. But once everything was ready and we all sat down, someone suggested we all say one thing we were thankful for. When it was my turn, it finally hit me and I said, “I’m thankful for my sister who works so hard to make everyone else so happy.” Without a word, she got up and came and gave me a hug, with tears in her eyes. To this day, those are the proudest words that I have ever spoken.

And it didn’t stop there, her kindness I mean. When her kids were out on their own, she was buying groceries for homeless people in Cincinnati, and then suddenly it all came to a halt on the day she died. I started my spiritual path when I was 19 and first discovered the martial arts and eastern wisdom, studying everything I could get my hands on over the last 31 years I can truly say that we are here for a few reasons, one of the most important is to make a positive difference in the lives of others. Self sacrifice. Although my sister died way too young in the eyes of everyone she left behind I will argue that in her short life she made more of a positive difference in the lives of others than most of us will do even by living to 100.  

And once again it didn’t end there, I see the same generosity and thoughtfulness in her son. I see her wittiness, beauty and charm in her daughters. And when I’m having a bad day I think about her message on her cell phone when she didn’t pick up. “Smile a lot!” And I do, just like her, and something reminds me that even though we miss her, everything is going to be alright.

Have a great week.

I was probably about 9 years old, why I remember this day is a mystery to me, but the family, me, my Mom and Dad and sister were shopping. We pulled into the parking lot and my dad went to shut the car off and my mom put her hand on his and stopped him, it was the song on the radio. She said wait, I want to hear this song. She turned to me and my sister in the back and said, kids this is my song to your dad. The song? Close to You by the Carpenters.

So we all sat and listened. I think I remember that day because that’s the day I no longer saw my mom as just a mom. It’s the day I saw her as a woman, a woman who loved her man.

If I remember the story right, my dad was 20 and my mom was 15 when they met, she’s the only woman he ever loved. They dated, he waited, and when she was 18 they married. My dad died just one week before their 50th wedding anniversary, my mom 6 weeks later. In between they raised two kids, worked 40 plus years, paid off a home, and well…lived. It wasn’t always smooth, there were fights, lost jobs, my sister could be a pain, I was the perfect child of course. There was even a separation that lasted about a month.

But all in all, they endured and stayed together. My dad, if he had a love language, was acts of service. I don’t think my mom ever put gas in her own car or scraped an icy windshield in the winter. Come to think of it I don’t think she ever had to get in a cold car in the winter, dad would always “Go warm it up”

My mom, had two love languages; Words of affirmation and physical touch. She was always praising us kids and my dad, like the whole song thing and man if you ever let her hug you real good, it could last 5 minutes, which was awkward when I was a teenager.

I think my mom would have liked my dad to have her love languages but she learned to appreciate his and loved him just the same. Even though they never took a class or studied love languages they seemed to fit and were a great example for my sister and I in how a relationship between a man and a woman should be.

So when I hear this song I think of them. At my dads funeral a cousin spoke of how when they were first dating, my mom lived at the top of a hill and in the winter my dads car wouldn’t make it up the hill when it was slick, so he parked and walked her up to her front door. My mom was sicker than my dad in the end, he was taking care of her, still. And if you believe in this sort of thing as I do, I think the cancer struck him so that he could go home first. So that he could walk her up the hill, walk her home…one more time.

And no wonder she thought that “On the day that he was born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true.” He was her dream, and it did come true, oh and yes his eyes were blue.

Happy Mothers day Mom!!

Have a great week!

Sad news this week a family friend passed away. I got the call in the middle of the day from his wife, she was distraught and in tears and I was shocked. Larry was a friend of my dads at first then a friend of mine as he asked me to come to his house weekly and teach his entire family Tae Kwon Do, that was over 20 years ago, then Larry and his wife shared property with my parents in Arizona and bought my dads share when he died so I would see them when I visited. Everyone loved Larry, he was cut from the same mold as my dad, friendly, giving, handy and always helping someone with his many talents and skills.

I took my two youngest daughters, Sarah and Cassie to the viewing, there were probably 200 – 300 people there, the girls were good for the 45 minutes we spent in line. Unfortunately they are all too familiar with death and are old enough to be respectful at an event like this. The next day I attended the funeral by myself and this is where I decided that I wanted to live like Larry. They say that you can tell the success of a man by the success of his children, two of his daughters spoke at the funeral and this is where I really got to know Larry. Sure I knew the fun, free-spirited helpful guy but hearing his daughters talk and seeing what strength, faith and class they had I knew what a great dad Larry was. They both told funny stories but more importantly they talked about how he taught them how to live, to teaching by example, in always helping others, to letting his kids make their own mistakes and always being there to pick up the pieces or offer solid advice and solutions. Larry loved life and did anything and everything to stay active and involved with his kids and grandkids.

One daughter even had a list of things Larry liked to tell them over and over like “Life is too short” when they were worrying about something trivial, and “Things will always work out if you let them” when they were trying too hard to control. Watching these two beautiful ladies I was touched and reminded of just how important a dads role is. What he is determines who his kids will be. I don’t think enough dads realize this or take it as seriously as they should.

So I left the funeral inspired, inspired by Larry, inspired by his kids and inspired to write this post. I think I do a pretty good job of talking to my girls and teaching them how to live but I thought I was lacking in one area. If you read my posts you are familiar with the inner critic, that little voice in our heads that loves to criticize what we do. I have a pretty good handle on mine but once in a while it gets going. Hearing all the stories of how Larry was always helping someone, always had something someone needed and gave it away freely. My dad was the same way, like I said cut from the same mold. But what about me, not so much I thought, by now I was home and had changed clothes and was loading the back of my truck with some yard tools. My inner critic was going strong telling me I could never be like Larry or my dad. But, all of a sudden I stopped and realized what I was doing. I was loading up my truck to go clean up my girls Grandmas yard, she had given away a pool and a deck and it left a mess that needed cleaned up and grass replaced. When I realized this I smiled, not because I was pleased with myself or think I’m a great guy but because I’m grateful for examples like Larry and my dad. I’m grateful and honored to in a small way carry on what these great men started and lived.

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So thanks Larry for leaving the world a better place by the life you lived and the kids you raised. And you were right, life is too short, especially for you a young 57 when God called you home. You will be missed by everyone who knew you and if you could do me one more favor, give my Dad, Mom and Sister a hug from me please. Tell them I’ll see them soon.

Have a great week! 

I took my two daughters out to eat the other night, there was a young mom with two cute little ones at the table next to ours   She was about 20 years old with a 2-year-old daughter and a 1-year-old son. I’m guessing of course because I didn’t ask her.  The woman had her nose in her phone the whole time they were there. The kids were obviously used to entertaining themselves. The place was packed and when the waitress tried to take their order it took 10 minutes because wonder mom hadn’t looked at the menu or bothered to ask what her kids wanted to eat. The cute little waitress smiled politely and waited patiently. Me less so. I couldn’t help but wonder what was so damn important on that phone. Was she going to miss every precious moment with these kids? They go by so fast. What the heck is wrong with young people today I thought? But this isn’t a post to gripe about young people, I feel this young mom was the exception rather than the rule, on the contrary this post is to praise our younger generation.  So keep reading.

My oldest daughter Faith is running track her first year in junior high. I’ve been to two meets so far and was impressed both times. Let me back up a little bit.  I remember junior high quite well, my friends and I spent all of our time tossing insults around trying to look cool mostly to impress girls. So sitting with these kids was going to be interesting I thought, these meets are long so I thought it would be entertaining to watch their behavior, but what I see is totally different than what I expected. I see kindness, support, camaraderie as they cheer for their teammates throughout the event. And I’m impressed. Today one of the girls falls in the 100 meter and badly scrapes her knees.  I see Faith run to see how she is as her friends get her up to the rest room to get cleaned up. Then Faith comes back with another team-mate and they grab the medical kit and head after the rest. The medical kit is metal, bulky and heavy and Faith’s smaller teammate struggles. I see Faith reach down and take it from her as they both run across the field to their injured friend and my heart swells with pride. Not at all like I remember Junior High. Impressive.

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Faith is fast enough to get placed in the first heat of her 100 meter which is good and bad, good because her coach has confidence in her. Bad because she is racing against the fastest girls. She doesn’t win her race and later when she says she didn’t do very well I look at her and smile and say, “and still, I have never been more proud of you”. She gives me a funny look because she doesn’t understand but I do. Our future is in good hands with these kids. My confidence is restored.

And did I mention these meets are long? Her first event was at 3:30, her second and last was at 6:30. In between watching the kids and the cutest moms I typed 90% of this blog post on my phone. I sure hope someone wasn’t looking at me, wondering why I was missing my kid race and what was so damn important on my phone.

Have a great week!

I  got the article below in my email the other day from Jafree Ozwald, and I haven’t stopped smiling since. There are links below to some of his products and free emails like this one:

People spend lifetimes striving to reach their goals and dreams which they believe will one day make them happy.  Yet many find themselves addicted to the pursuit of their vision, and the fantasy of what may come, instead of actually enjoying being happy in their lives today.  The truth is there are as many distractions inside us as there are on the outside of us, and they are ALL excuses that say it’s not possible to be happy right now.  The secret we’ve discovered to becoming unstoppably happy is simply to see how happiness is not far away at all.  It is always a choice readily available to you in each new moment.

When the understanding sinks in that your happiness is not based upon anything in the outer world, you start the journey towards being truly liberated from any sadness, negativity or pain.  You can choose to embody the energy of joy and appreciation in this moment because it is always a choice!  Whatever you decide to feel about the outer world impacts how you feel about yourself.  You are always interpreting situations and events in your life, so why not choose the response that opens those doors towards feelings of expansion, serenity, appreciation and continuous jubilation!  Happiness is a FEELING that is always available, and can be accessed instantly whenever you remember that joy is possible in each moment.  It’s that simple!  Make the decision right now that NOTHING, yes absolutely nothing, can stop you from choosing joy, appreciation and relaxation in each moment.  There is nothing more powerful than this choice, and when you make it you’ll discover a deeper joy hidden inside you that is emanating from the very core of your being.

“Act happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love, and do what you will.”  ~ Dan Millman

How this email came into existence was that one morning Margot woke up very early and proclaimed that she was going to be unstoppably happy.  She decided that she was going to be happy NO MATTER WHAT came her way today!  This proclamation started acting like a powerful energetic shield that protected her, and freed her from any negative thinking.  It was evident that she felt liberated and was operating from a lighter place of gentleness and love.  When negative comments were directed her way, she’d just deflect them with her “Unstoppable Happiness Shield”.  Being vigilant of her thoughts, she did not let anyone drag her into the land of emotional negativity.  This shield allowed her to feel safe and protected, so that she could relax deeper into the core of her being where the source of positive thinking abides. 

We want you to know that you can do this same experiment with your life.  Your state of mind is so precious and sacred.  Dedicate your life to keeping it healthy, wealthy,  free and loving.  It’s good to know you can protect your mind from any negativity that comes your way.  It can come in the form of other people’s bad moods, intensity, anxiety or negative words.  You can sit safely behind your invincible happiness shield that allows yourself to relax deeper inside and experience those healing feelings that naturally emerge from your Divine essence.  So, whenever you can, realize that your happiness is NOT at the mercy of your environment or other people’s states of mind.  Know that you always have the power to create any state of mind you desire!  By simply practicing the choice to be an unstoppable source of happiness you will experience just how powerful your thoughts really are! 

“Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.”  ~ Mildred Barthel.

Creating a permanent state of happiness is possible, yet can only happen when you FEEL safe, protected and at peace behind your unstoppable happiness shield.  When you are freed from defending and protecting yourself in anyway, you instantly create a sense of spaciousness inside that leads into the greatest golden secret to becoming happy forever!  This is spacious feeling cultivates a heightened state of awareness of your thoughts.  The more awareness you have, the more you are conscious of each thought passing by, and the easier it is to step on the train which is always arriving in the land of appreciation and the town of “Bliss-ville”!

Greater awareness happens by slowing down in your life, so you can actually witness the thoughts that pass through your mind at lightening speeds.  It is this wandering mind that is always taking you down the paths of despair and self pity.  When you see that you are simply the watcher behind it, you are free from any thought patterns that float by.  Yet you must cultivate a mind that will support you in slowing down and clearly seeing the thoughts that create your emotional states.  This happens through the practice of being centered.  This means you develop the ability to be quiet, calm, and serene….listening to the thoughts without buying into them.  This is the only way to penetrate the deep seated chaos of the mind and remain unshaken by any thoughts that arise.  The more you look inside towards who you truly are, the easier it becomes to discover the eternal joy that is your true nature. 

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” ~ Fredrick Koeing

The feelings of joy and love can be cultivated to arise more frequently by focusing on what you are currently thankful for in your life right now.  In each moment, there is a plethora of things to be grateful for.  From 10,000 miles up in outer space you can easily see how we are all blessed to live on this awesome beautiful planet.  Yet, there are always two sides to every coin.  In any given situation you are given the choice to feel blessed, and you can also focus on what is not working and see things in a negative light.  In each moment there always exists at least two choices.  A person may miss their bus to work one day and can either focus on feeling late for work, or refocus on the beauty of the morning and how they get to enjoy the sunshine for a few more minutes until the next bus comes by.  It simply boils down to when life hands you lemons, do you make lemonade or just suck on the lemon with sour puckering lips?  Your reality is always a conscious choice!

“A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.” ~ Hugh Downs

It’s time to stop waiting for happiness to find you and choose to find the roses hidden in your inner garden.  At your very core is an eternal rose bush blooming, radiating its beauty and fragrance for all to enjoy.  Being in touch with the core of your being is pure happiness, and it naturally arises from within when you are relaxed.  Nothing has to happen for happiness to continue to flow.  This happiness IS HERE NOW because this divine creation inside of you is always rejoicing in it’s divine aliveness whether you are aware of it or not. 

So when you wake up tomorrow morning, start your day by proclaiming to the world that you are choosing to be unstoppably happy NO MATTER WHAT happens!  This will push you deeper inside to find your true natural bliss-filled state at the core.  Yet, after you proclaim this choice, gently remind yourself as you go through the day that you are committed to being unstoppably happy.   Practice vigilance with your thoughts, and you will naturally see how easy it is to choose happiness over any negative thinking.  It is always up to you.  You have the power inside you to make those decisions that will make today the happiest day of your life!!

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Awe Spring time, melting snow, new beginnings, fresh starts and Easter. This year I had my 3 girls on the weekend their Grandmothers church does their annual Easter egg hunt. My girls were thrilled, they love it. But, since their mom was working I got to take their twin sisters along as well, almost three and full of life and mischief. 

I remember this song from when I was a kid. My earliest memories are from a time when my parents had just moved to Utah from Pennsylvania in search of work. My dad’s brother was stationed at Hill AFB at the time, he was our only family here. Everyone else, my grandparents on both sides, aunt, uncles, cousins, remained in Pennsylvania. They would later move to Utah as well, but for those first few years at Christmastime my mother would sit and listen to ‘I’ll be Home for Christmas’ and cry. I was too young to understand and of course she would try to hide it, and now years later, I understand. She is gone, my dad and sister too, so as I go about my holiday shopping I hear this song and think of them. Gone. Maybe you are missing someone this time of year too?

Its been 4 years now, Christmas without my parents. I still miss that special drink with my dad on Christmas eve. Ginger ale with a little whiskey. He would always have one mixed for me when we would arrive at their house. And the house, they still had the house where I grew up, so the childhood memories were still fresh and playful. Now the house has been sold and I start new memories with my girls in our home. Then divorce tears that apart and it’s just me and them. I’ll be home for Christmas? Sometimes not. And I get a little down, then life, as usual gives me a surprise.

My daughters have little sisters. Their mom has twins 2 1/2 years old. Last night I sat with them and my two youngest as their mom took our oldest, Faith, to her work Christmas party. I watch the twins run and play and laugh and demand that everything is theirs like toddlers do. So full of life with everything to look forward to. A few weeks back we took them to the Ogden Christmas village and they were amazed at everything. I had been looking inside the tiny animated buildings since I was a kid but somehow they had lost their luster. The annual trip had become just something we did for the kids. But this year, looking through the babies eyes, watching them fight their way through the crowd to look into each tiny building with amazement. Somehow I became amazed too. Maybe it’s because I’m the age of most new grandparents and having the wisdom of age I can appreciate this even more than when my own were little.

So its true that we are not always able to be with the ones we love, life changes, people move on and yes, die. But I’m willing to bet that if you look hard, there is a soul out there willing to share with you the amazement and grace this time of year brings. Maybe like me you will find two.

So the shopping is done, a sense of peace fills my heart, and yes today, I braved the crowded stores for a bottle of Jack Daniels and some Ginger Ale. On Christmas eve I will still have that drink. I will drink to my Dad and Mom and all the wonderful Christmas’ they provided in my childhood. I will drink to my sister, who shared it all with me. And I will drink to what life brings, and to what lies ahead. To new memories!

Have a Merry Christmas.